'Fuck the death cat haters guide to fuckery and aal that'

by Mr FTDCH

The Cow is dead.

In times of recession especially a hell of a lot of people are skint, absolutely anyone can take it upon themselves to bring a bit of colour back into the world and put a smile on peoples faces. You may enjoy the first part of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

LEGAL CHANGES

First off though, it’s important to understand that the legal situation has changed a lot since the late 90’s, in 2 important ways…

1.The laws have changed to close pretty much all of the old legal loopholes, and make it a hell of a lot easier for the authorities to bust you if they decide to. The main changes are:-

• The Licensing Act 2003 changed the law so that pretty much any event whether it’s classed as a public event or a private members event now needs to have an entertainment license, regardless of whether money is being charged for entry. Prior to this act, it was perfectly legal to run a party as a private members event without a public entertainments license providing that there was no entry fee charged, it wasn’t advertised to the public and there was some sort of membership list / invite list – this is no longer the case. There is some (very limited) leeway given for birthday parties and similar events, but this would only really cover a very small scale party, and it’d essentially be at the discretion of the licensing officer whether he decided to prosecute you or not.

o Lot’s of rigs have been busted all over the country under this act for ‘Entertainments Without A License’, with penalties ranging from a caution to a maimum of £20,000 fine and / or 6 months in prison (though I’m not aware of anyone being given anything close to the maximum penalties).

o This is the law that the council and police are currently using most of the time when busting unlicensed parties as it’s very difficult to argue against successfully.

• The Criminal Justice Act (1994) (section 63) didn’t originally apply to warehouse parties as it was only targeted at outdoor raves, unfortunately it was amended in by the Antisocial Behaviour Act 2003 to mean that the CJA now applies to indoor parties as well (but only if you’re trespassing, not if you own the building… I’m not quite sure where a legal squat fits into this). It also reduced the number of people that need to be attending the party before the CJA can be applied to 20.

o The CJA can still only be applied if the party is ‘likely to cause serious distress to the inhabitants of the locality’ ‘by reason of it’s loudness, duration and the time at which it is played’ which means that if you’ve chosen a warehouse in a non-residential area, and made sure that your soundsystem isn’t big enough for the music to carry to the nearest houses, then the police would be hard pushed to justify using the CJA to bust you.

o A Police Superintendent (or higher rank) needs to approve the use of the CJA to bust a party.

o If you’re told that the police have approved the use of section 63 against your party, your best option is to immediately agree to turn the music off and close the party down (ideally in return for them agreeing to not impound your equipment, but don’t push your luck, once you’ve turned the music off and started packing up, the police are likely to be much happier to treat you reasonably than while the party is still going). If you continue to run the party and ignore the section 63 notice, it’s pretty much certain your rig will be impounded, one or more of you will be prosecuted, and quite likely the police will decide to use force to close the party down once they’ve got enough reinforcements to do it… so you can choose to ‘fight for your right to party’, but are likely to regret it afterwards… the better option is to retreat, keep the rig, keep everyone safe and live to party another day.

2. Temporary Entertainment Notices At the same time as closing the previous loopholes in the licensing laws that we’d been using to through warehouse parties, The Licensing Act 2003 (in theory) made it much easier and cheaper to get a license for relatively small scale one off parties for upto 500 people by applying for a Temporary Entertainment Notice (TEN).

To get a TEN, all you need to do is apply to the council and police using a fairly simple form, giving them at least 10 working days notice, and paying a fee of around £20-40.

You do not need to advertise your license application publicly for a TEN like you used to, and you only have to discuss the event with the council licensing officers and police – members of the public have no right to object to the event (though in practice, if a resident found out about a planned party and decided to object, then they probably could make things difficult by hastling their councilor etc).
There is a general presumption that you should be given a TEN unless there is a good reason why not, though what classes as a good reason varies by council and police force area.

Note - Some rigs have reported major problems with getting TENS, other's have got them no problem, it largely depends on the local authority and police's attitude to 'raves', which can be largely down to whether there has been a local history of 'problems' with raves in the polices eyes, as well as how you approach them, how suitable the site is, and whether you do everything that you agree to do in the terms of the TEN when it's granted.

Some of the potential problems with going this route are:-

• The council and police will insist at least on the minimum number of toilets, fire extinguishers, emergency lighting, fire exits, licensed door staff etc. plus probably that you have public liability insurance. All this costs money, and if they decide to be arseholes about it then they can make it so expensive to run that it’s not possible to do it.

• The cut off point for the TEN is 499 people, which in reality is quite a low number, and means that you’ll have to have some way of limiting the numbers to below 499 people, because if you go over 500 then you’d be in breach of your license. This isn’t so difficult in a building, but would be very hard to do in the open air without big fences and lots of security which pushes the cost up a lot. Even in a building it’s likely to mean you’ll need extra security just in case, which some people would argue goes against the ethos proper warehouse parties.

• The council and police tend to look at the worst case scenario, which means that even if you only expect to get a couple of hundred people coming to the party, they may demand that you have enough toilets, security etc to cope with upto 499 people, meaning the costs for the party would be much higher than if you were only providing for the couple of hundred people you expect to come. This may well mean you either have to push the ticket price up to the point where people start complaining / can’t afford to come, or decide to keep the ticket price lower and have to get a lot more people to come than you’d initially planned for in order to cover your costs.

• You also really need to plan the party much further in advance than just the 2 weeks notice you need to give, as you really want to have the license in place, and know what all the costs are going to be before you advertise the party to avoid nasty surprises. This means you can’t really organize more spontaneous parties in this way.
• Even after you've been issued with a TEN the council can still revoke it at a later stage if they don't feel you've complied with the terms of the TEN, or the police are unhappy with something, or even during the event if there are noise complaints, or the council/police aren't happy with the way it's being run then they still have the power to close you down. On the plus side, getting a TEN for your party should minimise the risk of the party getting closed down, and having equipment seized or being prosecute. It should also mean that the venue is safe, and if anything does happen you can call the police, ambulance etc without worrying about them deciding to bust the party. Running successful parties with TENs will also help you to build up a track record with the council and police that should make it easier to get future TENs or even bigger licenses if you want.

The exact cost, form and process for getting a TEN varies from council to council, but most councils have application forms and guidance on their websites.


Part 2 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Taking a plop on the legal loopholes for the crack through 'the power of the blag'.

Case study/Item for discussion/bit of a pisstake blag/its crazy doc but it just might work.

Have you thought about setting up a not for profit arts/music collective and being grant funded to run multimedia arts/music showcases in warehouses incorporating all night opening and closing parties.... if you've got a bit of funding behind you then jumping through the council hoops becomes a hell of a lot more doable, particularly if you can convince them that it's a genuine arts event and not 'just' a stinking dutty rave. Part 3 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Why exactly can't you do something to make everyone smile? You, yes you, reading this now. What exactly is stopping you?

Even in the CJA-dominated party scene it is still possible to put on an underground party AND get away with it.

However there are a lot of pitfalls along the way, and when you make a decision to go ahead with it, you have to be prepared to involve yourself in something which is going to take up most of your time in the weeks preceding the event.

The first and obviously the most important thing you have to do is find a suitable venue. Do you know someone who owns a warehouse? Do you have lips and a tongue and a telephone? Excellent, these are the only qualifications you will need to secure a venue for arch fuckery times. And we're off! When you first look at the venue, look for residential areas nearby who might be disturbed by noise. It will certainly help you if you are located in an industrial area or next to a railway line or noisy road. Avoid busy areas which could attract unwanted attention. Furthermore, i'm old as fuck and if you're having one of your bang bang bang rave fingys next to my hoose and waking my dog up i'll come down there and fucking borst you.

It's called not being a cunt. Try it sometime, you might like it.


Part 4 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Why exactly can't you do something to make everyone smile? You, yes you, reading this now. What exactly is stopping you?

The venue will need to be secured and a safe environment for people to party in. Because, don't be a cunt, these are people, just like you, not punters to milk to fund your boot habit.The venue will also need adequate soundproofing, and it will need to have suitable toilet facilities for your expected crowd. As a guideline, to avoid over-long queues and other unpleasantness you will need one toilet for every 80 people. If the venue does not have enough toilets you should consider using portaloos which can be hired for about 80 pounds per toilet fromused Loo-Hire (www.loohire.co.uk) The venue MUST also have running cold water.

You will also need to ensure that the building is fire safe.Because,don't be a cunt. It should have several possible exits. It is important that there is no rubbish, broken glass, or dangerous obstructions in, or in the immediate environment of, the building. Because,don't be a cunt. This can give the environmental health reason to shut the party down. Then you're cunting yourself right up. Another gross overuse of the word cunt here>>> 'cunt'.

Anything in the building which can potentially cause harm needs to be cleared away. Generally you should try to ensure that the main areas are clear of all obstructions and that the floor is swept clear of any rubble. You should also cover all windows with any soundproofing material you can find - old mattresses are ideal.

Part 5 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Why exactly can't you do something to make everyone smile? You, yes you, reading this now. What exactly is stopping you?

Booking acts.

Are you a fan of the artist you wish to book? Why? If you're an utter cheesebag then you should probably stay away from anything to do with this. It's not for you, move on, nothing to see here.

Underground raves are exactly that UNDERGROUND and should ALWAYS provide a platform for up and coming and established acts who would NEVER get booked at Ministry of Sound because fuck them. This will help them get to the level where they make a Faustian pact with agreeing to play at Ministry of Sound for monetary reasons, this means we can all reject them as being 'sell outs' and laugh as they fall off into obscurity, only to find they have no place in the underground and die alone surrounded by cats.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER BOOK SHIT BECAUSE YOU THINK IT WILL MAKE YOU MONEY. MONEY IS NO REASON TO BE INVOLVED IN ANY ARTISTIC ENDEAVOUR DESIGNED AS AN ANTIDOTE TO THE HEGEMONY OF THE SYSTEM YOU THICK CUNT. STOP KIDDING YOURSELF OTHERWISE. THEY MORE OBSCURE THE BETTER, IF YOU DO THINGS WITH LOVE, YOUR CROWD WILL FIND YOU.

Part 6 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Why exactly can't you do something to make everyone smile? You, yes you, reading this now. What exactly is stopping you?

Once you have your venue your next step is to decide what night to hold the party on. Why not chose New Year's Eve which is of course an excellent time to hold a party such as this! Try to pick a night which has something else going on to attract the council/police's attention rather than your peace-loving party.

Once you have, the night the next step is to publicise the party, It's fine to flyer the party but to stay within the law remember that your event is a PRIVATE PARTY. That means that you don't want to put the address of the party or a price on the flyers. This may seem to defeat the object of flyering but you will still get phone calls if your promotion is good enough. It is very important not to include the price as otherwise you are providing ample evidence to prove that your party is not a legal event.


Part 7 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Why exactly can't you do something to make everyone smile? You, yes you, reading this now. What exactly is stopping you?

The bizzies hoo.

If the bizzies arrive, you will have to persuade them that they don't want to shut the party down. Remember that for them it is quite a hassle to stop a party of several hundred people and they will principally want to assure themselves on safety issues. Be ready to show them all of your fire extinguishers, emergency exits, and first aid boxes. Make sure you stress that it is a one-off private party. If possible show them your security people's certifications. If the police can be assured that you are responsible the chances are that they will let the party continue.

One thing police really hate are illegal bars. If you must sell alcohol, do not under any circumstances have tills, cash boxes etc behind your bar! Have a separate bar from which tickets are purchased which can then be exchanged for drinks nearby. This is to exploit a legal loophole where you do not need a license to give away alcohol as a raffle prize. Technically when someone buys a ticket they are entering a raffle which they then automatically win, the prize being one drink.

Lastly remember that it is the environmental health that are the scourge of the underground party-goer. With the right preparation you can ensure that should they visit they will not be able to shut you down on safety grounds. In any case, as an organiser you have a responsibility to your party-goers to make sure their night is a safe one. It's called 'not being a cunt'.


Part 8 (Update) of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Why exactly can't you do something to make everyone smile? You, yes you, reading this now. What exactly is stopping you?

It only takes one visit from the police and a warning and you may be put off the whole idea entirely. When people phone make sure you stress it is a private, invite only party, and no, there won't be tickets on the door! Ask people questions about where they go clubbing to ascertain they are genuine. Do NOT give out the address of the party to anyone other than ticket holders!

Meanwhile, you should be arranging your security staff. You will need one bouncer for every 150 people. Remember that the bouncers are there to protect your party against gatecrashers and to sort out any trouble and in my opinion it is essential to get professionals who are trained in first aid. There are plenty of firms who can supply excellent staff and they can really help people to feel safe and secure at a party.

The key is to wait for a critical mass of people to arrive (100 or so) before you turn up the music. You should also send a friendly face around at this time (not too late) to inform the immediate neighbours that there is a private party occurring and giving them a number to contact if they have any queries. Really though, doing it to close to a residential area ia a proper cunts trick so have a word with yourself. Ask yourself this, would you want to inflict what you're about to do on your Nanna? No? Then don't inflict it on mine.


Part 9 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

Why exactly can't you do something to make everyone smile? You, yes you, reading this now. What exactly is stopping you?

Go out and do it. Now. Stop making excuses. The word cunt here>>> 'cunt.

One love, blessings in your endeavours fellow humans, if your party is good i will come to it and dance and smile. Do it, now.

one love (Noun).

'The universal love and respect expressed by all people for all people, regardless of race, creed, or social status.'

^ This ^ is what it's all about. Always. Don't be a cunt.

The end.


Part 10 of the 'Fuck the Death Cat Haters Guide to Fuckery and aal that like'. You may wish to copy and paste it for your perusal as the page is getting deaded Sunday evening.

ADDENDUM: Situationism, or blowing peoples minds so they can never return to the 'old ways' fully of hate, greed and being a cunt.

The 'situation' has evolved to refer less to a specific avant-garde practice than to the dialectical unification of art and life more generally. Beyond this theoretical definition, the situation as a practical manifestation has thus slipped between a series of proposals. I can be said that we can distinguish the 'situation' from the mere artistic practice of the happening.

This is taken from the theory of 'Situationism'. Go and learn about it, it's what clever cunts call 'fuckery'.

Fuck the Death Cat Haters